Q: Hey, man. What did you get on that last test?
A: 102%
Q: 102%?!!?! Are you serious?
A: No, I have a neurological disorder which causes me to compulsively lie about my test scores... Of course I'm serious.
Q: Wow! I wish I was that smart. How did you get so smart?
A: Well, most of the time conception is determined by who can swim the fastest. Things were different than me because rather than arbitrary physical challenges, I had to undergo a series of tests designed to challenge my math, pattern recognition, logic, and critical thinking skills. The most worthy was allowed to fertilize the egg. When I was in the womb, my mother played classical music to me in order to strengthen neurological connections in my brain or something. All this did was annoy me, so that doesn't count.
After birth, I was on a strict diet of B-vitamins, horse flank, and water. I was allowed fifteen minutes of television per week and could only watch PBS. I once convinced my mother to let me watch the history channel but once she found out it was nothing but crackpot apocalypse theories and Hitler documentaries I wasn't allowed to watch TV for a year.
At the age of five, I was enrolled in a private school where they taught me quantum mechanics, histology, and PE as a required elective. All of this was easy as my family had hired the direct descendants of Charles Darwin, Albert Einstein, and Socrates to tutor me since the age of six months. My first word was 'derivative'. I was eventually separated from the rest of my grade because I was gifted. They gave me special one on one teaching where I learned the art of telekinesis. I used my new found powers to escape from the school and start life as a normal student at Missouri State University.
Either that, or I pay attention in class.
Q: So can you help me with homework sometime? I'm still struggling with the concept of graphing functions on a Cartesian plane.
A: Sure! I would absolutely love to take time from my schedule of 18 credit hours, several student organizations, and personal life to help you with your crippling ineptitude. Unfortunately, I believe in capitalism and have learned to never do anything you're good at for free. I value my wisdom at $2.3 billion.
Q: What's your major, anyway?
A: Pre-medicine
Q: Of course you'd be in a smart-person major like that.
A: Yes, everybody should choose their profession based on how intelligent they are. Reasons such as interest in the field, job satisfaction, service to others, and financial security have no place in deciding your future career. I really wanted to be an astronaut but I didn't think I was smart enough.
A: 102%
Q: 102%?!!?! Are you serious?
A: No, I have a neurological disorder which causes me to compulsively lie about my test scores... Of course I'm serious.
Q: Wow! I wish I was that smart. How did you get so smart?
A: Well, most of the time conception is determined by who can swim the fastest. Things were different than me because rather than arbitrary physical challenges, I had to undergo a series of tests designed to challenge my math, pattern recognition, logic, and critical thinking skills. The most worthy was allowed to fertilize the egg. When I was in the womb, my mother played classical music to me in order to strengthen neurological connections in my brain or something. All this did was annoy me, so that doesn't count.
After birth, I was on a strict diet of B-vitamins, horse flank, and water. I was allowed fifteen minutes of television per week and could only watch PBS. I once convinced my mother to let me watch the history channel but once she found out it was nothing but crackpot apocalypse theories and Hitler documentaries I wasn't allowed to watch TV for a year.
At the age of five, I was enrolled in a private school where they taught me quantum mechanics, histology, and PE as a required elective. All of this was easy as my family had hired the direct descendants of Charles Darwin, Albert Einstein, and Socrates to tutor me since the age of six months. My first word was 'derivative'. I was eventually separated from the rest of my grade because I was gifted. They gave me special one on one teaching where I learned the art of telekinesis. I used my new found powers to escape from the school and start life as a normal student at Missouri State University.
Either that, or I pay attention in class.
Q: So can you help me with homework sometime? I'm still struggling with the concept of graphing functions on a Cartesian plane.
A: Sure! I would absolutely love to take time from my schedule of 18 credit hours, several student organizations, and personal life to help you with your crippling ineptitude. Unfortunately, I believe in capitalism and have learned to never do anything you're good at for free. I value my wisdom at $2.3 billion.
Q: What's your major, anyway?
A: Pre-medicine
Q: Of course you'd be in a smart-person major like that.
A: Yes, everybody should choose their profession based on how intelligent they are. Reasons such as interest in the field, job satisfaction, service to others, and financial security have no place in deciding your future career. I really wanted to be an astronaut but I didn't think I was smart enough.
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