What is Wrong with Most Movies

I was bored the other day, so I decided to take up the challenge of watching Super Troopers to look for flaws in the movie. At first, I thought the movie was perfect, then I thought harder and came up with one flaw; Paul Rudd doesn't star in it. This is actually a problem that's sweeping Hollywood. Paul Rudd doesn't star in enough movies. If you ever hear me say "Wow, that movie sucks", which is something I say often, the chances are that it doesn't have Mr. Rudd's name in the credits.

For once, I'm not being sarcastic. I love this man's work. I first became familiar with him when I saw him as the main character in the movie Role Models. For those of you proficient at depriving yourselves of things that rule, in Role Models Paul plays Danny, a bitter, sarcastic shell of a man who finds himself to be more disappointed with life each passing day.  Needless to say, it was the most relatable character I've ever seen in a movie; Paul played it perfectly.

Note the arid dryness of his voice as he uses biting sarcasm to mask the pain he's experiencing in his day to day life; note the look of pure irritation on his face after Ronnie decided that singing and dancing wasn't annoying enough and that he needed to throw things at the poor man. Paul is truly a master of his art.

I most recently saw Paul Rudd in the movie Our Idiot Brother and as much as I like the idea of Ricky Gervais making fun of uptight, washed-up celebrities with egos that rival the size and scope of a small solar system, I don't know if I'm going to bother watching the Academy Awards this year. Why? It will be unnecessary; that's why. Here's my prediction for the winners for a sample of the categories they go over:

Best Picture: Our Idiot Brother
Best Actor in a Leading Role: Paul Rudd
Best Actor in a Supporting Role: Paul Rudd
Best Actress in a Leading Role: Paul Rudd
Best Actress in a Supporting Role: Paul Rudd
Best Director: Paul Rudd
Best Film Editing: Paul Rudd

The reason Paul Rudd is getting every single award for that movie is because he's the only one who didn't try to sabotage it. Even the Wikipedia page agrees with me: "Most critics agreed that 'It's decidedly uneven, but like Paul Rudd's performance in the title role.'" This movie would have been a total disaster without him for two reasons. First, the character he plays is too difficult to act as for anybody below his caliber, i.e. everybody. Second, I hated everybody else in the movie, especially Zooey Deschanel's character.

Zooey's character, Natalie, is one of Ned's (Paul's character) three sisters, and because she's Zooey Deschanel, she has to be the quirky, artistic, eccentric character she's played as in every movie she's ever been a part of. She's also a lesbian. I'm usually a huge advocate of lesbians in movies. In fact, after not enough Paul Rudd, not enough lesbians is the second largest problem with films today. I hate to say it, but this movie would be better off without this particular lesbian.

Why? She's in a committed, long-term relationship with this hottie (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Rashida_Jones) who also happens to be a lawyer, and jeopardizes having a relationship with the perfect combination of hotness, brains, and money in order to have sex with some dude just because she can.

This is why I can't stand women. If they would just pause a second and think about what the best option is long-term, rather than living life based off of what feels better in the moment; life would be a lot easier. Who cares if she's gorgeous, supportive, and dedicated; and cheating on her would  tear her apart? I have myself to think about! Besides, I can always rationalize it later so I don't feel as guilty. Please.

You can bet money I was laughing hard when she predictably got pregnant. It always makes me feel a little better when life holds people accountable for their terrible decisions. The worst part of that movie was when her partner took her back because she apologized. I would have liked to see her have to raise that little brat herself and live the rest of her life lonely, depressed, and unwanted; but that's just me.

Actually, it's not just that character I hate. I just hate Zooey Deschanel. She has a habit of ruining every movie she's in because she only has the skill as an actor to play one type of character: the quirky, ironic, awkward, artistic girl who frequents local coffee shops. You'd think people would get sick of seeing the same character everywhere you turn, but apparently Zooey is incapable of getting enough camera time. I'm just thankful she seems to be busy with that awful show (New Girl) and won't be ruining otherwise decent movies like Our Idiot Brother.

Paul, if you read this, you're the man! Keep up the good work.
Zooey, try your hardest not to act or do anything publicly for a little while. My doctor says I really need to start watching my blood pressure.

That's it. I'm Moving to Norway

I just came to realize how much I hate living in America. What could possibly be strong enough to cause me to reach this kind of epiphany? Is it the fact that we literally owe China billions of dollars that we'll be paying back until the sun explodes? No. Is it the horrible state of this economy and how unlikely it will be for me to get a job and pay off the immense college debt once I graduate? No, not that either. Is it how all the politicians are too busy holding a national pissing contest between the two major parties to do anything about it? Is it these occupy wall street protesters who, in my opinion, need another healthy dose of police brutality? None of the above.

It's the fact that I know more about Kim Kardashian's marriage than I do about any of the above issues. How is it that I don't read magazines or newspapers, don't listen to the radio, barely watch any TV, only open an internet browser once or twice a day, and avoid celebrity gossip like rape, yet I still know that her wedding cost 10 million dollars and her marriage only lasted 72 days. It's  because the news and media outlets feel the need to inundate us with this useless information. It's not like they're doing it just to bother me either (although it seems that way sometimes). They do it because people in America actually care about this garbage.

You might be wondering, "Yea, all that's annoying, but there's got to be other reasons to move to a different country." Well, you're correct. There is. Music.

Here's a list of well known American music acts. This can also double as a suicide note or a Christmas list to give to your buddy who "knows people".
Katy Perry
Lady Gaga
Taylor Swift
Maroon 5
Relient K
Miley Cirus
Death Cab for Cutie
My Chemical Romance
Any country music
Any rap music
U2 (I know U2 is Irish, but I really hate them and thought they deserved to be on the list anyway.)
Nickleback (Possibly Canadian? I don't know. I hate them too.)
Etc.

Now, here's a list of Norwegian bands:
Einherjer
Dimmu Borgir
Emperor
Immortal
Kampfar
Asmegin
Mayhem
Burzum

You should notice 2 things. First of all, American music is terrible. I don't know how we as a society have managed to tolerate music that bad for so long. Every time I hear Katy Perry I get just a little sick to my stomach. Yea, her music is bad enough to trigger a physiological response. There's something to be said about that.

Second of all, all the bands in the Norwegian list are heavy metal bands. That's not to say that every band in Norway is a metal band, but it does illustrate that metal is way more mainstream in Norway than it is in America. I'm sick of living in a country where when asked what my favorite music is I have to sheepishly reply "uhh....rock..." or risk being completely isolated from people (especially the opposite sex).

Why is metal treated like it's the worst kind of music for children to  listen to? If anything, it's the best music for them to listen to. It will tell them from an early age how cold and unforgiving the world is and not to expect anything from it. It's a lesson they need to learn early on so they don't feel entitled to a new car, hugs, affection, food, etc.

The alternative to metal is the mainstream music, filled with sexual undertones, suggestive themes, and other things that will train children to be as sexually promiscuous as possible. How is this any better than death metal? These songs will lead to pregnancies in people not nearly mature, responsible, or smart enough to have children; ultimately resulting in a whole bunch of inductions on November 11, 2011.

Do you people not know how ridiculous this is? The rest of the world (e.g. Norway) watches us in complete disbelief while we undergo medical procedures putting both the mother and child at risk. And for what? So the child can be born on a date that has 6 consecutive ones in a row. Idiots.

My last point, before I go back to loathing my biology professor for giving an assignment over Thanksgiving break, is that America is boring. I mean, just look at this.

Whoever wrote the line "Amber waves of grain" in the song America the Beautiful had obviously never seen an amber wave of grain. Otherwise, he wouldn't have found it noteworthy enough to include in the song. Either that, or America is so boring that he had to include it for lack of any other material.

What does Norway have to offer? It has the ancestral burial grounds of the vikings, vast fjords, aurora borealis, the midnight sunrise, and trolltunga (roughly translated, troll's tongue) pictured here:

Norway: 1
America: 0

Well, that's about it. If you want to follow me to Norway, I don't blame you.

The Life of a Gangster

Hi, my name is Josh and I am a gangster. All of my friends are gangsters too. That is why we all dress the same and discuss the finer points of the latest lil wayne album. People often ask me how one becomes a gangster and I tell them it's something that can only be imbued into you from a hard life on the streets. My brother wants to be a gangster too but I don't think he has what it takes.

My friends and I often do dangerous things together in the streets. One of our favorite pastimes is to loiter at the basketball court behind the elementary school even though there's a sign there that tells us not to. Once, we even drove to a town large enough to have its own Wal-Mart without any adult supervision; but everybody was uncomfortable so we don't do that anymore.

Gangsters such as myself can be easily identified by their wardrobe. Most of us wear a tapout shirt despite the fact that we don't do UFC fighting, baggy shorts in the dead of winter, and a flat billed hat with a sticker on it. I once made the mistake of wearing a regular baseball cap and the other gangsters made fun of me for it. That night, I stacked up all of my textbooks onto the bill of my hat and left it like that overnight. That was the most use I've ever gotten out of my textbooks.

I also put a sticker on my hat which my little sister received from the dentist's office. It had a picture of Buzz Lightyear but astronauts are cool so it all works out.

The following morning, I went into my father's garage and measured the bill of my hat with his level. The bubble was in the middle, so my bill was flat. At school, when everybody noticed how flat my bill was I told them, "Yes, it is. I went into my father's garage and measured the bill with his level. The bubble was in the middle, so my bill was flat."

One of my teachers told me that I am too socioeconomically advantaged to be a gangster but she was obviously mistaken because I don't even know what socioeconomic means.

When my friends and I aren't loitering at the basketball court behind the elementary school despite the fact that there's a sign there that tells us not to, we like to make rap videos. Here's one we made the other day:

I know that my little brother's toys in the background aren't gangster but it's the best we could do at the time. We had originally intended to make the video in my living room but my mother kicked us out because she was entertaining guests at her weekly book club meeting.

Often, in pictures, I will hold out a wad of cash to the camera. People sometimes get angry and accuse me of showing off and being vain. In reality, I strike this pose because I have a lot to be thankful for and I want to show everybody how thankful I am. I also get nervous in pictures. My body will react to this nervousness by causing the tissue in my lips to become inflamed. All of my friends try to imitate this odd body reaction in subsequent pictures and I think it's to make me feel less self-conscious about it. Here is a photo to illustrate what I am talking about.


 
There I am with sixty sols or about twenty-five American dollars.

My Surrender

I know I write a lot about how much I hate being in SGA, but  seeing as how most of my posts are derived from sources of frustration it only seems natural. Thankfully, I finally decided to resign on Friday. My posts may come a little slower, but if not writing ever again means not having to go to SGA, I consider it a bargain.
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
"Senators,

We have a lot on the agenda for tomorrow’s meeting.  Please come prepared to do the following:
During Open Forum, we will hear from four individuals:
-   Dr. Cofer regarding the University budget
-   Representative Sara Lampe regarding education
-   Victoria Culver regarding Bears Bringing Hope and the SAC Budget
-   Speaker Bernet regarding Constitution changes

During Old and New Business, we will discuss all of the old business resolutions that are in your inbox or on the DMS, the four attached resolutions, and the following five that will be on the DMS soon:
-   One resolution approves the Constitution
-   One resolution approves the Wyrick changes
-   Two resolutions concerns the Rec Center Fee
-   One resolution concerns renovations to Glass Hall computer labs

Check the DMS for these additional resolutions and for the minutes.

Reminders of useful information:
-   Voice Retreat: Applications for VOICE Retreat are available on the SGA website, and the event will occur April 8 – 10. They are due this Friday, March 25
-   Long Range Plan: A presentation about the long range plan of the University will be held this Wednesday at 3:30 in the library.

As you can see, the agenda is packed, so please attend and plan to stay longer than usual.  If you must resign or cannot attend, let me know.

Respectfully,

Jon Stubblefield
Sergeant at Arms
Missouri State University"
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

"Jon Stubblefield,

I am sorry that I was unable to attend the March 22nd Senate meeting. I will give an explanation for this in due time, but I feel that in order to effectively communicate this, I must first explain what happened in last week's (March 15) senate meeting.

As senate last week dragged on and on, I found it increasingly hard to focus on what was happening. My mind began to wonder and began to question what my role in Senate actually was. Was it to voice my and my organization's opinion to representatives of the whole student body? No, the vast majority of resolutions are inane and I don't have an opinion on the matter. Was it to perform the tasks associated with my committee? No, I realized that nothing important happens in committee once I was assigned the task of creating a 'catchy title' for the game day chant competition. Two weeks in a row.

After concluding that I didn't actually need to be in SGA for it to proceed smoothly, my mind began to wonder to other topics such as the frailty of life, what 'love' really is, and humanity's role in the vast and unforgiving universe. These are pretty weighty topics, as I'm sure you can deduce; and after I spent a great deal of time pondering on them I felt like a much wiser man.

And we still weren't out of open forum.

(Note for the reader: open forum is the first part of a senate meeting and is usually very short. This one lasted at least an hour because somebody was talking about changes to the constitution.)

Now to the point of this Email; why I wasn't at senate last Tuesday. If I read your Email correctly, it would appear as if this week's senate would somehow exceed the time that last week's senate irreversibly stole from everybody in attendance. I would have loved to show up to senate at 5:30 after committee ends at 5:15, without a real chance to eat dinner, and sit there staring at the wall until we adjourn. Unfortunately, I concluded that my family life was more important and if I missed my granddaughter's graduation for a senate meeting, I would never forgive myself.

Unable to think of anything to do with the rest of my now free Tuesday evening, I thought harder and came up with about three hundred things. I couldn't help but wonder what life would be like if every Tuesday was like this. It was too enticing, so I decided that I would never attend an SGA function again.

I guess you could say that I am resigning, but I think that the term resigning doesn't give justice to everything I put up with (e.g. sitting through people painstakingly correcting the resolutions for minor grammatical errors, arbitrary senate procedure, endless debate over things that don't and never will matter, an overall feeling of hopelessness, etc). A more appropriate term would be surrender. Surrendering implies that I fought for as long as I could, but caved through force of sheer attrition.

I surrender.

Josh Hanes"
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
"Hi Josh,

Thanks for the interesting resignation—or surrendering—from the position of senator.  I’ll inform Adrianne and Justin of this so they can follow resignation procedures.

Have a great rest of the semester, and thanks for your time.


Jon Stubblefield
Missouri State University"

Ask the Guy Next to You in Class Anything

Q: Hey, man. What did you get on that last test?
A: 102%

Q: 102%?!!?! Are you serious?
A: No, I have a neurological disorder which causes me to compulsively lie about my test scores... Of course I'm serious.

Q: Wow! I wish I was that smart. How did you get so smart?
A: Well, most of the time conception is determined by who can swim the fastest. Things were different than me because rather than arbitrary physical challenges, I had to undergo a series of tests designed to challenge my math, pattern recognition, logic, and critical thinking skills. The most worthy was allowed to fertilize the egg. When I was in the womb, my mother played classical music to me in order to strengthen neurological connections in my brain or something. All this did was annoy me, so that doesn't count.

After birth, I was on a strict diet of B-vitamins, horse flank, and water. I was allowed fifteen minutes of television per week and could only watch PBS. I once convinced my mother to let me watch the history channel but once she found out it was nothing but crackpot apocalypse theories and Hitler documentaries I wasn't allowed to watch TV for a year.

At the age of five, I was enrolled in a private school where they taught me quantum mechanics, histology, and PE as a required elective. All of this was easy as my family had hired the direct descendants of Charles Darwin, Albert Einstein, and Socrates to tutor me since the age of six months. My first word was 'derivative'. I was eventually separated from the rest of my grade because I was gifted. They gave me special one on one teaching where I learned the art of telekinesis. I used my new found powers to escape from the school and start life as a normal student at Missouri State University.

Either that, or I pay attention in class.

Q: So can you help me with homework sometime? I'm still struggling with the concept of graphing functions on a Cartesian plane.
A: Sure! I would absolutely love to take time from my schedule of 18 credit hours, several student organizations, and personal life to help you with your crippling ineptitude. Unfortunately, I believe in capitalism and have learned to never do anything you're good at for free. I value my wisdom at $2.3 billion.

Q: What's your major, anyway?
A: Pre-medicine

Q: Of course you'd be in a smart-person major like that.
A: Yes, everybody should choose their profession based on how intelligent they are. Reasons such as interest in the field, job satisfaction, service to others, and financial security have no place in deciding your future career. I really wanted to be an astronaut but I didn't think I was smart enough.

What I Did in SGA Today

A situation that just about everybody encounters when they get home from school is when their parents ask you what you did that day. There's something about this question that is both alarming and disarming. You feel like you should have something more to say than just 'nothing' but deep down inside, you know that it's about the truest answer you can give.

Today, while sitting in SGA for about two and a half hours, I decided to compile a list of what I did so that I could be prepared to give an accurate answer as to my activities in this meeting.


Today in SGA I...

ran my headphones through my hoodie and listened to music for as long as I could get away with it.

attempted to move objects with my mind.

played with my facial hair

accidentally fell asleep. Four times.

stared at the pattern in the carpet until it all just kind of blended together.

watched the person in front of me read a Matrix wiki on his laptop for about half an hour.

ran a cost/benefit analysis of throwing my cell phone at the person who kept on amending the resolutions to correct minor grammatical errors.

pondered about what happy people are doing.

crossed my eyes as far as I could make them go.

chewed on my fingernails.

balanced my pencil on my finger for as long as possible.

fiddled around with the loose change in my pocket.

stared longingly at the exit sign for about ten minutes.

thought of a framework for a post about how boring SGA is.

How to Make Your University a Better Place

Consistently show up late to class.
Teachers and students alike love it when people show up late to class. Teachers sometimes lose track of what their talking about and appreciate the opportunity to collect their thoughts. Students love being distracted from a lecture that they're paying a ton of money for and also appreciate people wrestling past them for a seat while they're trying to take notes.

Walk really slowly on the sidewalks.
Everybody enjoys being held up while walking to class by two people walking very slowly side by side. It's a nice way of letting people know that they should take a moment to slow down and enjoy life. Also, people who listen to music on the way to class will enjoy the opportunity to hear more songs than they normally would.

If you have a bike, ignore the designated bike paths.
There's nothing quite like somebody on a bike getting inches away from running you down, but at the last moment deciding to turn away. Everybody enjoys that feeling of relief when they realize that the guy on the bike isn't actually going to hit them. That feeling makes life worth living sometimes.

Pack your stuff up five minutes before class ends.
Sometimes, it's just too easy to hear the professor speak. People who are actually trying to pay attention to the professor will enjoy the added challenge of listening to him over the sound of your backpack zipper. Also, it's not disrespectful of the professor's or other students' time at all. Everybody will applaud you.

Gun it when you're in a car and approaching a crosswalk.
Jeopardizing the lives of everybody using a crosswalk is totally worth it so you don't have to wait ten seconds for them to finish walking. Just put the pedal to the metal and if they don't stop walking, it's their fault if they get hit. Sometimes, the near death experience will get people to realize that they should turn their life around. The benefits outweigh the risks.

Smoke right outside of the entrances of buildings.
People love it when their choice of living a healthy life and abstaining from cigarettes is nullified by people who can't walk a few yards to  a designated smoking area. They also enjoy the sight of people smoking, because those that smoke are extremely cool. If everybody smoked at a designated smoking area, I wouldn't be able to see these types of people and there would be virtually no chance of me getting emphysema. What a shame.

Write stuff on the bathroom stalls.
Graffiti on bathroom stalls is paramount to the public restroom experience. Without anything to read, using the bathroom would be extremely boring. Also, I wouldn't have a steady source of news that's relevant to me; such as "Joe has sex with goats." If nobody had written that, I wouldn't know that I should keep my goats away from Joe.

Take the elevator to the second floor.
Sometimes people who take the elevator to the seventh floor get lonely and we want somebody to talk to, even if for just a short time. Sometimes, people are too intimidated to take the elevator for such a short distance because they feel like they're being scowled at by everybody else. They couldn't be more mistaken. You're not being scowled at. People are just angry that you have to leave the elevator so soon.

If you're in a car, drive as close to the sidewalk as possible when there's standing water.
Let's face it. Not everybody in college has the best hygiene. When you spray water all over everybody on the sidewalk, you may be giving somebody a much needed bath.

Blast music out of your car's speakers.
When you blare rap music excessively loud, you're saving everybody from doing boring things such as studying or sleeping. Also, everybody enjoys rap music and nobody finds it to be obnoxious.

A Comprehensive Guide to Protesting

I was walking back to the dorm from my psychology class a week or two ago and happened upon the most pitiful group of protesters I have ever seen. When I say pitiful, I mean it in every sense of the word. They lacked any form of decent organization, they didn't seem to be sure why they were there, and there were only eight of them. If this protest was in China, they wouldn't even be worth the effort of spraying the treads of your tank with a garden hose.

Even though I can't ever see myself ever protesting anything, that doesn't mean I can't do it better than you. This is why I am creating a guide for any potential protesters out there. I prove my knowledge of pointless facts. You avoid looking like an idiot in the future. Everybody wins.

A guide to protesting

1. Don't
As a general rule of thumb, you shouldn't protest. I don't care what you're protesting. Protesting only serves to annoy me. Annoying me usually results in me writing mean things about you on my facebook page; and we both know you don't want that.

2. Know why you're there.
One of the reasons the protesters at my school were there is because the administration was planning to implement a small athletics fee in future semesters. The only thing is that the administration was planning on doing no such thing and an athletics fee is merely a vague idea at this point in time. I'm not sure what the most embarrassing thing possible is; but I'm sure wasting hours of your life throwing a fit about something that's not even happening would rank up there.

3. Convey your message clearly.
This is one of the most crucial steps to an effective protest. After all, what is the point of being there if your audience doesn't understand the issue? For example, while you might think a chant like "Money for education; not administration" is fun and catchy; people will not think "You know what? Missouri State's budget is baseless and irresponsible. The focus at a university should always be on the students' quality of education". They are more likely to think "When will these stupid hippies shut up?"; or at least I did.

4. Don't scare away your audience.
As I walked past them, one of them pointed right at me and shouted at the top of her lungs, "THEY'RE WASTING IT!! IT'S YOUR MONEY!!!" I'm not quite sure what she was trying to accomplish here, but it definitely didn't make me want to support their cause. I almost felt like she was blaming me personally for whatever stupid reason they were out there for. I thought this went without saying, but when you're trying to gain support; don't yell at the people you're trying to garner that support from. It tends to drive them away, which is exactly what you don't want to happen.

5. Try not to look like a hippie.
This group of protesters didn't look like hippies in the traditional sense. They more accurately reflected today's counter-culture traits; most notably, pierced body parts, tattoos, etc. If you want support from people outside of your crazy lunatic clique, you have to look more approachable to people who are on the outside. I know that protesting something inherently makes you a hippie, but not everybody is as keen on things like this as I am. With any luck, if you look like a rational, sane person, you might trick a few gullible people into listening to you.

6. Location, location, location
In the United States we have a few basic rights such as freedom of speech and freedom of assembly. Rights like these make protesting difficult because it's not really a big deal. It's hard to prove a point when the only thing you're sacrificing is an hour or two of your time and the potential embarrassment of someone you know seeing you. I suggest that when you protest, you protest in a traditionally repressive country. Countries like China, North Korea, or Iran will do. Just remember; if you're not being executed, you're not doing it right.

Emails with Adrianne

One of the worst things about going into the medical field is the fact that you have to constantly worry about beefing up your resume in order to gain acceptance into a medical school. This forces one to either sell their soul to different co-curricular activities in order to look involved and well rounded, or live on the streets. If I had to live on the streets I would probably grow a beard and claim that I was a veteran. While I have never actually served in the military, I´ve played a lot of Call of Duty; so I know what they've been through.

While I do have a plan in case it comes to that, I am not cut out for life on the streets. That is why I joined clubs like the Student Government Association. SGA is just as worthless as student council was back in high school, except it is on the collegiate level, which means there is more work involved. Not only do I have to waste over an hour a week in Senate, but I have to do assignments each week for the University Advancement Committee, led by Adrianne Burns.

Usually I do the bare minimum of the assignment that is required, send it off in an E-mail and forget about it until the meeting on Tuesday. Not this time, though. I decided to troll her a bit.

Adrianne:
"Hello Committee!


This is a friendly reminder of what I need from you all this week.

Everyone:  Please review the athletic website- missouristatebears.com- and review the home page and one of the team pages (baseball, soccer, football, ect) and come up with 3 suggestions of what should be changed.

Also you can view other collegiate athletic websites created by the same company we have our contract through to get ideas of what the website could look like at: http://www.neulion.com/?clients but it  is not required.

Also please come up with 3 traditions for MSU.  They can be things we already do and need to promote more or things from other universities or things you just made up but think they sound like a great idea! I attached some of the research that was done at the top.

And last but not lease please continue to think of poll questions.  I attached the questions we already have at the top.

If you all could email me this information by Sunday that would be awesome! If not please email me before the meeting on Tuesday. If you have any questions please let me know!

See you on Tuesday!



Adrianne N. Burns 
Student Government Association
-University Advancement"

Me:
"Adrianne,

I have looked over the website and have the following suggestions on how we can improve it:

1. Change our host to godaddy.com . I know that this won't exactly improve the structure of the website, but godaddy.com has a sex appeal that our current host just can't match.

2. Don't actually attempt to give any information on the site...I think it would be better if we had links to all the teams' websites that we play against. Their websites are so much better and I think it would be an overall better experience for somebody to figure out the details of a game from our rivals' websites instead of our own impossible to navigate one.

3. Have a link on our site to my Xanga page. As you probably know, Xanga isn't as popular as it used to be. I used to have many subscribers that would read my site daily. All that's left now of my once great online empire is some lady who blogs exclusively about the exploits of her cat ,Sprinkles, and some guy who is bitter about everybody's pilgrimage to MySpace. He swears one day that he will make a new social networking site that's more popular than MySpace. Nobody has yet had the heart to tell him about Facebook.


I also have some ideas for possible traditions that I'm sure you will find exciting and viable.

1. We could throw things at that one fat tuba player...The origins of this tradition date back to my high school years. Our football team wasn't that great and would often time be behind by several touchdowns. Not wanting to waste the 2 dollars spent on attendance, the students found other means of entertainment. We singled out this one chubby tuba player in the band and threw random objects, such as hot dog wrappers and soda bottles at him when he wasn't looking. Eventually, this took a toll on his self-esteem and he told the principal. The school had an assembly on bullying the following day, where they didn't mention him by name in order to avoid potential embarrassment. Of course, we all knew what the real reason for the assembly was, so we tormented him until he transferred schools.

2. We could yell loudly at the referees when they make a call that's not in our favor...The origins of this tradition date back as far as sports do. For minor calls like being off-sides or something we could simply boo at them. For more game-changing calls, like pass interference, we could swear loudly and accuse the refs of having mental or physical disabilities.

3. We should release an actual bear into the stadium during half time...This is another idea that I got from high school. My high school's mascot is a rooster, so during half-time, we would release roosters onto the field to help increase school spirit. One day, though, it went horribly awry. None of the roosters released wanted to go back into their cages. The game had to be postponed for fifteen minutes while we attempted to capture all the roosters again. One of them even scratched the assistant vice-principal on the arm, leaving a gash that would eventually become infected. I don't anticipate we will have these safety issues with bears, however, because a bear's claw is probably more sanitary than that of a rooster.

I look forward to this Tuesday's meeting. I can't wait to present these ideas to the rest of the committee.

Love,
Josh"

Adrianne:
 "Hello Josh,

Thanks for taking the time to write such a thought out response to this week's assignment.  While it was humorous I think you missed the point of the assignment.

Please review the email I sent Tuesday night and revisit the athletics website and come up with suggestions on how we can focus on improving the site. Examples are condensing the button options and having less advertisements on the front page. Also when thinking of traditions please think of ideas that will not be hurtful, dangerous, or disrespectful.  I am looking for ideas that have a more fun and encouraging spirit behind them.

I'm sure you will able to take these directions and come up with wonderful ideas.  Please email me the new ideas by Sunday.

See you Tuesday,
Adrianne"

Me:
"Adrianne,

I'm sorry about the previous email. I'm not quite sure what came over me. It had been a rather boring day and I just finished reading a few articles on http://www.27bslash6.com/ , so I decided to write one myself. I will send you real ideas by Sunday.

Josh"

I know that the ending isn't as awesome as it could be. I was going to troll her farther and see how far I could take it, but then I realized that I actually have to see her on Tuesday.

Community Sleeps Easier After Hardened Criminal Recieves Speeding Ticket.

Residents of the city of Pleasant Hill are all breathing a collective sigh of relief tonight following an incident where a menace to society was successfully pulled over and issued a speeding ticket. The perpetrator received the justice he deserved at approximately 10:00 P.M. as he was driving his friend to her house unreasonably fast. The sheriff clocked him driving 51 miles per hour in a 35 mile per hour zone, a speed described by locals as "appalling".

"These roads are only meant to handle vehicles traveling at speeds of 35 miles per hour." explained the sheriff as he stared off into the distance, shuddering at the possible consequences of somebody traveling 16 miles per hour over the speed limit on a road that's rarely used, "At speeds like that, he could have put a dent in a tree, totaled a mailbox, or even killed a squirrel. Thank God I caught him when I did."

"He should be castrated, or at the very least permanently lose his license." explained a local meth dealer who witnessed the events unfold, "What has this world come to when somebody just decides to push the gas pedal slightly lower than you're supposed to? It's sickening."

"How am I supposed to raise a family out here?" he added.

Josh Hanes, the perpetrator, offers some insight into his despicable actions:

"While my actions are inexcusable, it was really late and I just wanted to hurry up and get home. I had to take a leak, I wasn't aware that the speed limit was so low, and it didn't seem so dangerous to travel faster than the speed limit because I was the only other one on the road."

"Besides the sheriff" he added. "I suppose it's good that he pulled me over. I could have done some serious damage to myself and others as I am unable to handle a vehicle at speeds exceeding 35 miles per hour. Also, the sheriff was nice enough to lower the ticket from 51 MPH to 49 MPH. I'm glad that he was kind enough to show me that kind of mercy."

While it was admirable that the sheriff was kind enough to lower the size of the ticket so drastically, many people are arguing that it wasn't the right thing to do. They claim that Josh will believe he can get away with heinous traffic violations in the future. He may be speeding now, but people believe that he will commit the crimes of "changing lanes without signaling", "improper parking" , and "failure to wave after other vehicle yields right of way".

Missouri Bright Flight Scholarship Winners Required to Pay $1,000 a Year

The latest in a series of cuts and changes of the state of Missouri's budget not only neutralizes the amount of scholarship money it's "Bright Flight" scholarship recipients receive: it will require them to pay an extra $1,000 a year in taxes to the state government. This act comes as a shock to many, especially after the scholarship has already been drastically reduced in size before to $1,500; half of its maximum value of $3,000.

When reached for interview, governor Jay Nixon responded:

"The Bright Flight scholars? Screw them. I don't care about their plight...Oh, wait. You're a reporter. Please don't publish that. It could ruin my reputation as being committed to education. The reason why we require payment from Bright Flight scholars is simple. We wanted to take the group of students that was the most motivated and likely to achieve success in school; and by extension helping Missouri's future, and make it more difficult for them to go to college."

"Does that make any sense?" Added Nixon.

Education isn't the only program in Missouri's budget getting cut. In fact, to facilitate new issues which Nixon claims to be higher priority, some programs are getting cut altogether, including law enforcement. It seems the only program in Missouri's budget that isn't being altered in some way is road maintenance.


When asked on whether or not the removal of law enforcement and drastic cuts on education could be responsible for Missouri's recent 10,000% increase in crime, governor Nixon replied:

"Not a chance."