My neighbors were too loud, so I murdered them

So, there I was trying to sleep at the extremely early time of 2:00 in the morning. The party on the floor above mine was entering its third hour and my patience was wearing dangerously thin. These slow-witted morons appeared to have somehow convinced themselves that they were the only people living in the apartment.

Every contrived cackle from the tipsy sorority bitches caused my teeth to gnash. Every bounce of their ping pong ball from their exciting drinking games pecked a hole into my sanity. Every off tune moan from the considerate gentleman trying to sing infiltrated my mind and molested my brain.

What's worse is that it showed absolutely no signs of slowing down; in fact I overheard an entire phone conversation inviting yet more people over. Enough was enough. I knew what I had to do. I had to murder them.

I calmly walked upstairs and knocked on their door. Instantly, the noise died down to confused mumbles of "What the hell?" and "There's no way Jacob got here already!". They sent an unfortunate soul to investigate. I allowed his eye to get right up to the peep-hole before kicking the door open. The force of which fractured his Maxilla and Frontal bone and sent skull fragments into his brain, killing him instantly. On top of that, his broken husk was propelled across the foyer and into the living room wall, creating a 5'10 human shaped hole in the drywall. Everybody was understandably terrified.

Girls were screaming; men were trying to hide. I surveyed the room identifying targets before letting out a chuckle and muttering in a deep, frightening, yet seductive voice "Sorry to crash your party." Some chick passed out from a combination of fear and arousal and I gave a threatening half smirk to the remaining living, conscious people.

Immediately I zeroed in on some coward using his girlfriend as a human shield. I punched right through his girlfriend's face and strangled him to death while their friends watched in absolute horror. I don't know about chivalry, but they're sure dead.

Soon after that, I caught some chick hiding in the utility closet. I tore the top off the hot water heater with my teeth and dumped the scalding liquid all over her, causing extreme pain and giving her third degree burns. Her shrieks of unimaginable torment caused me to feel a long forgotten emotion that some people might recognize as "pity". I chose the merciful thing to do and crumpled her up like a piece of paper and jammed her in the freezer. You can't call me heartless.

Soon after that, the terrible musician snuck up behind me and swung his guitar at me. How adorable. My rock hard deltoid muscle shattered it into hundreds of toothpick sized splinters. I picked up the G string of the guitar, looped it around his torso, and yanked on the two ends. The result was a perfect transverse view of his thoracic cavity.

In the corner of my eye, I saw a guy in the grass pulling himself to his car with his arms. I concluded that he had jumped four stories off the balcony and caused damage to his spinal cord. I finished him of by hurling a heavy chest of drawers which landed directly on his neck, internally decapitating him. I laughed so hard I almost pissed myself. Luckily, I managed to pull my penis out with just enough time to urinate off the deck onto the would-be paraplegic.

I zipped my fly up with just enough time to hear Jacob arrive. The wreckage of the room and his friends left him frozen in disbelief. I emerged from the shadows, headbutted him and kicked his ass so hard that I wore his colon like a sock. Then I grabbed the passed out girl by the hair and rode her like a snowboard Shaun White style down the staircase. I started out with a Seatbelt grab, transitioned into a Double McTwist 1260, and finished it off perfectly with a Nose Blunt grind before landing flawlessly on the third floor where I live. But not before emptying everybody's wallets.

I've never slept more peacefully.